You'd think that getting such good news as "all clear" would have a massively positive effect on one's mood. But it hasn't.
I'm finding it all very odd right now. I was expecting to feel re-energised, upbeat, over the moon and ready to start on all sorts of new projects. What these new projects would be is actually a mystery as I have none in the pipeline, but the intention was there.
However, I have lost my mojo.
I am so tired; still not sleeping well and have little or no energy. My brain will not settle on one single thing for more than a few moments. Joy is missing and this surprises and disturbs me. I feel restless and uneasy.
I guess it must be some form of shock.
Whilst talking to a friend who recently went through something similar, I discovered that this feeling isn't that unusual. Perhaps it's the mind and body's way of dealing with the fall-out? Is this normal?
Keeping it all together - to a greater or lesser extent - over the past three weeks has been bloody hard work. Mentally I am strong. My body has also been proved to be strong. But I guess there's a limit to how much strength the mind can cope with and now it is drained and utterly exhausted.
How on earth to people with a less favourable result cope? I am in awe of their strength.
In an ideal world I'd be able to recharge on holiday somewhere. Some time to myself would be lovely as it's my personal favoured way of recovering. We don't live in an ideal world so I have to fit my me-time in between school hours. And then I get "The Guilt" because I feel I should be doing something useful.
Also, I have nothing in particular to look forward to. This sounds mad, considering that I've just been given my life back.
Looking back over my life (I've done a hell of a lot of this recently, too) I find I've always managed to stay upbeat by having something concrete to look forward to - a holiday, visits with good friends, a good job. None of these are in my immediate future at the moment and that makes me uneasy.
But I'm not going to wallow in self pity; it's not my style. It's just surprised me that I didn't wake up the day after my 'all-clear' with a renewed sense of vigour and zest.
Perhaps I expected too much of my bruised soul and should give it more time?
Spring has sprung - a season of renewal and growth. Hopefully I shall find something to energise me soon; some sort of new project or job, and my life can really get going.
Renewal and growth; something to work on.